You may have heard of our built in survival instinct to fight or flight – but did you know that there is a third and fourth response as well? One may fight, run, freeze or fawn when faced with danger.
Fawning or people pleasing is used to diffuse conflict in a chaotic emotional environment and may look like:
- earning approval from others
- fear or hurting the others’ feelings if you are direct with them
- feeling invisible to others
- avoiding conflict to “keep the peace”
- predicting the needs and expectations of others and mirroring those
- difficulty saying no or setting limits/boundaries
- concerned with other people’s feelings at the expense of your own
- being a fixer
- oversharing with strangers
- have a difficult time feeling anger towards others
- feeling responsible for other people’s reactions or emotions
- compromising your values
- dissociation
People pleasing is truly taxing and while it’s a sincere attempt at connection, it misses the mark. It fails to deliver true vulnerability and true connection because it silences your own needs and feelings and works overtime to anticipate and meet the needs and feelings of others.
This is a painful experience with deep roots in childhood and leaves us feeling disempowered, lonely, anxious and depressed.
In your journey towards healing from this phenomenon, you may expect:
- a reemergence of your intuition and gut instinct as you begin to listen to your own feelings and needs
- a profound realization that love doesn’t need to be earned
- a dissolution of the need to be perfect
- a release from needing to impress others
- an expansion in range or emotional expression (vs. restricting emotions)
- increased tolerance for discomfort and conflict
- the freedom that comes from not needing to be liked
- embodying your full self
- trusting your abilities and decision making skills more
- eliminating the fear of disappointing others
- freedom from the need to be liked so you can simply be
- experiencing fulfilling relationship in which both parties are partners and give and receive in balance
- letting go of unpredictable, intermittent, hot/cold dynamics
- a newfound connection to true, supportive people in your life that give you the space and freedom to be yourself
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
It is such a joy to experience connection that doesn’t harm or that you didn’t have to work for. As trauma informed therapists, we fully understand the pain and anguish that comes with feeling and making oneself smaller, quieter and without needs. Because this survival response originated in childhood, EMDR or other integrative approaches to transformation (such as IFS) may be used. Our wish is that you get to experience life from a more expansive paradigm- one in which you can have ALL the feelings you’re having, where you can take up as much space as you want, where you can fully express yourself and embody your most authentic self.
