If you are reading this, you are probably in the beginning stages of or have already made the painful decision to leave a relationship with a narcissistic partner, family member, or friend. Recovering from narcissistic abuse starts off as a painful journey. You have likely recognized that in this relationship, you have felt unseen, unheard, gaslighted, controlled, or manipulated. In many interactions with this person, you have noticed with frustration that they are unapologetic, defensive and make you feel like you are the problem instead of taking responsibility for their words or actions.
If you are or have been the victim of narcissistic abuse such as this, it is likely that you feel at times broken inside, are lacking in confidence, and question your own decision-making abilities. Many times, this becomes the reason why breaking from this type of relationship can be painful and difficult. After all, Maybe he/she is right about me, I should have known better, or Deep inside, I know they care about me, this is just how they know how to express themselves even if I don’t like it.
It takes time and many frustrating life experiences to recognize that relationships don’t have to look or feel like this. That your needs matter too and that you deserve kindness and respect. That both parties need to claim responsibility for their strengths and weaknesses in the relationship, whether it be regarding communication or emotional regulation.
Unfortunately, in a relationship laced with narcissistic abuse, the narcissist’s fragile ego plays a major role in their ability to be empathetic, self-reflective, or be sensitive to your feelings or needs over their own. It is no surprise then, that they may become instantly defensive and adversarial once you pull away or communicate that you are no longer interested in being in this relationship with them. They may try to control, manipulate, or threaten you as you make your stance clear to them. During these times, it is very important to stay strong and see their words and behavior for what it is – a fear of losing their power over you and the relationship. Recovering from narcissistic abuse requires this insight and awareness.
You may wonder what now, where to go, and what to do? Here are several things you can do to help heal and recover from narcissistic abuse:
Set boundaries
It is understandable that setting boundaries can be very challenging, especially in the beginning when you may be unsure of your decision and they may be suddenly apologetic and act remorseful, or not want to hurt their feelings. However, it is important to choose you first and to stay grounded in your reasons for separating yourself from this relationship.
Recognize that while you are ready to move on from this unhealthy relationship, your narcissistic partner, family or friend may not be. They may continue to create contact with you or push themselves into your life. Determine your boundaries and communicate them clearly. Expect pushback but hold firm. This is the only way they may get the message over time. If you need to, block them on your phone or social media, avoid going to places you might run into them. If communication is unavoidable, set boundaries about how you will communicate and in what manner. If there are children involved in the separation, use a third party, such as a mediator or family/marriage therapist, to help in establishing the boundaries and communication.
Surround yourself with support
During this difficult time, you may be feeling many mixed emotions – sadness, guilt, grief, anger, fear, shame, etc. It is very important to surround yourself with a support system, whether it be family or friends, that would be there to validate you and help you not feel less alone in the separation process. It can be especially helpful to begin working with a professional counselor or therapist to help you process the complicated feelings that come up so you can learn to understand yourself, learn coping skills, rebuild your confidence, and feel strength and conviction in your decision to walk away.
Practice love and self-compassion
While in this abusive relationship, you were likely criticized, put down, and made to feel that a lot of things were your fault. The effect of this is low self-esteem, negative self talk, and second-guessing yourself. You may even put yourself down for even engaging in this relationship for this long and being someone who put up with this type of behavior from someone. It is important to remember that perpetuating negative thoughts and feelings about yourself will not be helpful in this situation. Through talking with your loved ones and/or working with your therapist, discover a way to find compassion and love for yourself. Remember, you did not cause this type of abuse and it is not your fault it happened to you. What can be useful to uncover is what patterns from your past played a role, what your relationship to yourself was prior to this relationship, and/or what contributed in creating space for this type of interaction to exist in your life. As you learn to understand yourself as a multi-faceted human, you will hopefully learn to forgive yourself and learn who you want to be beyond this relationship as well as how you want to feel when truly loved.
Learning to heal from narcissistic abuse is a self-growth journey. Expect it to be filled with challenging times and moments of clarity that help validate your decision to move on. In this journey, you can rediscover who you are, learn to cope with difficult emotions, and find strength in yourself you didn’t know you had. Above all, you will learn that you deserve more – more of your needs to be met, more of your feelings to be empathized with, more of mutual respect and understanding. You will learn to give this love to yourself so you can recognize it and expect no less from others.
If you are on this journey to healing from narcissistic abuse, I would love to support you through this self-discovery and healing process. Feel free to reach out and schedule a session. See you soon!
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