In this age of advancing communications technology, do you find yourself feeling more and more disconnected from the people around you? Consider this, can you trace all of your current connections back to their source? If you can, it’s likely you’ll find that many of the people in your life are members of: your family, neighborhood, academic environment, work place, or an extracurricular activity. This is partly why expanding our networks becomes more difficult as we get older—our people are no longer built into our system.
Embracing Transitions with Grace
Typically we can see this when our relationships change upon entering a new school/year, or state, or starting a new job. These transitions don’t have to ruin, sour, or terminate our connections but they will certainly change the dynamics of them, potentially causing frustration and isolation. Consider this, what role do you tend to play in your relationships? Does it change for different people? Sometimes, our connections don’t last because our system no longer works in the context of our community. Typically, we tend to see big changes within ourselves upon entering a new school/year, or state, or starting a new job. Again, these transitions don’t have to ruin, sour, or terminate our connections but they are bound to change the dynamics of them, again potentially causing frustration and isolation. There are many components to navigating our social relationships, three key facets of this being: self-awareness, empathy, and communication. So, how can we enhance these skills to maintain a sense of community and belonging?
Unleash your Authenticity
I’m sure you’ve heard some version of the expression that you “can’t truly love somebody else until you learn to love yourself” and— I hate to break it to you— but, part of that may be true here. Many of us have never really received permission to be our whole selves. As a result, we started to sculpt and mold and become whoever we needed to be to create our own sense of security—a great adaptive skill your brain came up with by the way! The downside? You may never feel genuinely valued in your space (and in turn have difficulty completely valuing others) because you’ve never allowed your whole and authentic self to be seen and held in that way. So, how do we address this mindset? Self awareness encourages us to start by getting curious. Who are you when no one else is around? What qualities might you have suppressed or overworked in favor of others? What roles do you play and what choices are you making to maintain or challenge them? The more you understand your process, your system, the easier it becomes to upgrade the software. Once you can identify and define who it is that you want to be and what it is that you want, the next step is to put the action behind your intention.
Nurturing our connections: an ongoing act
The proverbial “they” say your mental health is like laundry. It doesn’t matter how big the pile gets, or how many loads you may have to do to clear it, you’ll always have to wash the clothes you’re wearing. This analogy is a practical reminder that our own sense of stability is our life’s work. The same is true for the effort and energy that we invest in our relationships. We will constantly have to pay attention to our needs and desires and we will have to find the means to satisfy them in not only our own space, but in the context of others. Some people may resent that level of responsibility. Others may choose to utilize the control. Embracing and enhancing your natural empathic abilities can help balance these scales. It starts with extrapolating the self awareness we previously discussed. How can you utilize your own verbal and non verbal cues to understand and address your wants and needs? What verbal and non verbal cues or patterns do you notice in the people around you? Do you know where the patterns stem from in yourself? Can you tell where they might be rooted for others? How can you choose to honor your needs and desires, not just with satisfaction, but with love, nurture, and compassion? How can you apply this in your relationships?
It’s difficult, if not near impossible, to find a singular solution to a multifaceted problem and the bottom line is that relationships are complicated. They require presence outside of ourselves, multiple levels of awareness (ie. Internal and external) in addition to intentional effort and action. Know that the purpose here isn’t to be “perfect”, no one set of rules applies to all people, rather that practice makes improvement. The best way that we can authentically show up for others is to find alignment within ourselves and apply it outwardly. It will be different, awkward, maybe even uncomfortable at first but, when we are open to new possibilities, we are bound to find them.
Mindfulness Tip: 5 Steps for Active Social Skill Practice
- Get to know yourself in social situations (how are you feeling? What are you noticing?)
- Pay attention to the patterns (when do you find yourself saying/doing things that feel out of character?)
- Identify your goals for engagement (do you want to expand your community, or feel less anxious in social settings, or deepen your connections, or something else entirely?)
- Neutralize shame (how can you be curious about this learning experience without negatively judging yourself in the process?)
- Assess, adapt, and apply (how does all of this information you’ve gathered make sense to you? What changes would you like to see and what steps can you reasonably take toward them?)
Quote:
“Well-being cannot exist just in your own head. Well-being is a combination of feeling good as well as actually having meaning, good relationships and accomplishment.” – Martin Seligman
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