Embracing the Grey: Finding Relief from Black-and-White Thinking

Feelings of Isolation and the Pitfalls of Black-and-White Thinking

Many of us have felt left out, alone, or different at some point in our lives. It’s not only an uncomfortable feeling but can feel devastating when we believe we don’t have anyone there who we can turn to for support, love, and care. I think many of us have also, at times looked at the world through extremes. Whether it’s our beliefs about others, our thoughts about what others think of us, or our view of ourselves. We can be extreme, discriminating, self-hating, and catastrophizing. 

What these two difficult aspects of being human have in common is that they are made worse by rigid, black-and-white thinking. As humans, we survive by categorizing and placing people in boxes. It’s how we can think quickly and move on autopilot. This can help with simple tasks like driving or grocery shopping, allowing us to move swiftly and not think about every detail. It can also allow us to find our place in the world. However, it doesn’t always lend itself to happiness.

The Dangers of Black and White Thinking

Black-and-white, or all-or-nothing thinking is known as a Cognitive Distortion. This is an unhelpful internal bias or filter that can lead to a negative belief. This is a common aspect of thinking that is aimed to be challenged and reframed to mitigate suffering when in therapy. It is also an important part of holistic, mindfulness practices. To find our purpose and feel whole, we need to be able to sit in the discomfort of everything not fitting into a category and acknowledge the complexity of the world. 

Embracing Life’s Nuance: How to Live in the Grey

This is what makes it so important to acknowledge the nuance of life and aim to “Live in the Grey.” This term captures the idea of seeing that life exists on a spectrum. Accepting this fact can be hard due to the way that our brain is wired. This is where putting in work to expand your thinking and finding methods to view life from this lens can help you access and acknowledge your whole self and feel less rigid in your views of the world. Therefore, providing you with relief and opening yourself up to new, positive experiences. 

For example, if you are out with your friends and you feel as though you have nothing to contribute to the conversation, you may start to feel anxious or sad. If you are experiencing all-or-nothing thinking, you may be telling yourself that you never have anything interesting to say, or that everyone thinks you are awkward. Whereas, if you can live in the grey in this situation, you would be able to acknowledge and give yourself the compassion that you just don’t have anything to say at that moment. That this doesn’t mean anything about your character, and that you will not always feel this way. This could reduce your anxiety and suffering. While also helping you acknowledge your true self, someone who is full of different parts that make up who you are, all of which are well-intentioned, acceptable, and worthy of compassion. 

Effective Tools for overcoming black and white thinking

There are some helpful tools that we can use from many different modalities of therapy that can support us in Living in the Grey: 

1. Implement thought diffusion – when you have an all-or-nothing thought, try and create some distance from the thought by visualizing it floating away on a river
2. Identify the parts and thank them – in a moment that you are struggling to live in the grey, try to identify the different parts of yourself that are in conflict. For example, in the above situation, there may be a part of you that is being judgmental of yourself for being quiet, which is preventing you from providing yourself compassion, or another part of you that is fearful of being judged by your friends. Acknowledge these different parts of you and thanking them can help you access a more centered part of yourself that can live more in the grey
3. Try mindfulness techniques – when you are feeling anxious due to a black-and-white thought, turn your attention towards your body. Notice where you are in the moment and that you are safe. If you are struggling to achieve this try placing your feet on the floor and focus on the feeling of the floor beneath you

“Black and white may define the lines, but it’s the grey that shapes the masterpiece.”