Parenting is one of the most difficult endeavors a person ever takes on. Just ask the mother of a child refusing to go to sleep at 3 in the morning, while she has another on her breast, and has to be at work at 9 in the morning. We question our competency, or worth and even our insanity while not knowing what to do. Having said this, recognizing the depth of this journey and grappling with the complexities, can open all involved up to expansion and a sense of harmony and true closeness.
Defining the why of the issue:
Between the ages of 13 and 26, teens/young adults are learning how to be independent from the family. They are living between two worlds- childhood and adulthood. Emotional upheavals and mood swings will show up. The only job they have is to prepare for adulthood and this requires distance from their parents, resulting in making parents unattractive and making the peer group more attractive. They are looking for a sense of identity outside the home whether this is in an activity, sports, creativity, social activism, etc.
What is your teen going through:
Emotional upheavals and mood swings
Loneliness and emptiness inside (due to not knowing who he is, who she is)
They are beginning to learn to think abstractly (thinking about their thinking, the future, the self, who am I, beginning to become more like dreamers or idealists, attaching self to idols, committing to a cause)
Becoming painfully aware of themselves and becoming self conscious
The bodily changes are awkward
Feeling embarrassed and strange
Wondering: “who am I, and where am I going?”
Starting to believe that their parents are as obsessed with them, as they are with themselves: a casual glance can be interpreted as a scathing judgement
Starting to believe that everyone is looking at them and can actually witness their feelings of rejection, insecurity and humiliation they might be going through
Starting to feel isolated, believing that “no one else has ever suffered like me”
What you can do:
Real intimacy through a sense of oneness to understand how ordinary their life experience actually is.
Develop a sense of security through contributing to a sense of worth (not based on outcome or achievement, but on essence of the child- what it is that makes them truly unique as individuals- their heart, their unique strengths, their ability to show compassion- truly the essence of them, and things that you as their parent know for sure exist within them.
Treating them like an immature adult in training.
- if you had an insubordinate employee at work, you wouldn’t say: “Because I said so” and you would take care to not humiliate them in front of others
- if you treat them maturely, they’ll want to be mature with you
- can give them responsibilities past the age of 13 so they can learn about self efficacy and self motivation
Understanding that they have not had decades worth of lessons and been kicked around by unfairness, so some things feel unfair to them. You can give them that. It is unfair. Validating their feelings will bring them closer to you.
If you would like to set up a time to talk about ways in which I can be of help to your family, please don’t hesitate to text or email me so we can set up a time to talk.
Thanks! Every bit counts.