“Why am I so unsure of myself all the time?”
“I put things off and then I feel really guilty about it”
“I feel like everyone is judging me all the time”
Thoughts and anxious feelings like these come up for people all the time.
Our perception of reality, is our reality.
Thoughts like these and feelings of anxiety come up for people all the time. I’ve recently put a lot of thought into the impact of perfectionism, the demand on “winning” comparisons and our personal philosophy – or how we think about ourselves.
How we think about ourselves plays a significant role in how we show up in all of our experiences – either attuned to and expressing the best parts of ourselves, or playing small, protecting ourselves and limiting our internal interpretations to focus on “what I did wrong-but more than that: why I am wrong, why I’m not good enough”. Today’s culture has nonetheless set us up for unrealistic standards (meeting certain milestones, achievements, winning and optimal performance, basically being the best at everything) and it leaves no room for the process, for the reflection, for the willingness to fail, to be wrong, to learn the lessons, to be vulnerable and face the fear.
This comes down to:
What’s happening in this situation versus what I think is happening – how are we setting up the story in our minds
I teach my clients to develop the skills of self-talk. This is an inner dialogue between you and you and it happens automatically (usually conditioned to be negative by years of connections between particular neuronal pathways and life experiences) but it can be harnessed to be intentional, deliberate and reality based.
Carol Dweck, author of Mindset: The Psychology of Success, is the pioneer of mindset research and she has developed the concept of a Fixed Mindset vs. a Growth Mindset. The growth mindset is one in which a person can reflect on the experience and focus on the lessons learned. This person believes that outcomes refine me, they do not define me. An inner dialogue in this mindset would be: “No matter what happens in this moment, I can improve- that failure is not a permanent condition”. She refers to this as the power of not yet- the path into the future. A fixed mindset is one in which a person runs from error, runs from difficulty, stays in the comfort zone and internally talks down to themselves- thus creating feelings of fear, avoidance, depression and anxiety.
The fight or flight response is triggered when we perceive a certain situation to be threatening- whether it actually is or we believe it is, is irrelevant. The mind and the body are so designed as to react to the threat based on the interpretation we make of it. For example a thought such as: “what did everyone think of me- they must think I don’t know what I’m doing” will trigger the fight or flight response and thus our bodies contract, we make ourselves small and invisible and we protect ourselves because we feel under attack (when the threat is purely imagined).
Presence- our minds change our bodies, and our bodies change our minds
Social psychologist, Amy Cuddy, see her Ted Talk here has taught us that our non-verbals communicate messages to our internal chemistry and also to the world. She says that people who engage in power poses (relaxed, chest open, arms away from the body and loose and sitting up straight) release testosterone (the dominance hormone) and reduce cortisol (the stress hormone- also responsible for headaches, sleep problems, weight gain, memory and concentration issues, heart disease- See more on cortisol’s impact on health here). People with higher testosterone levels are said to be more assertive, more confident, will take higher risks. A low cortisol (low stress) and high testosterone (dominance and power) combination is the ideal profile for a leader.
So how do we do this?
In order to become our most authentic, passionate, enthusiastic and confident selves, we have to come face to face with ourselves. To reflect on:
- What motivates me?
- What are my core values?
- What are my strengths?
- Am I willing to fail and rise back up?
- Why is what I am doing important to me?
Through organizing these thoughts, we get to bring our talent to the table, but as ourselves. We get to build our resilience and also feel excited about what we are doing because it takes passion, grit, and perseverance to reach our long term goals.
I recently collaborated with C.U.D.I.T. founder, Lisa Rizzo, on ways to integrate these ideas into the world of athleticism as she has developed her unique training system that incorporated the most important part of ourselves: our mind.
If you’re wondering about therapy, or want to know how to find a good therapist around Ho-Ho-Kus, NJ or Bergen County, NJ let me know ! Even if I’m not the right counselor for you, I’d love to help you get connected with someone who is. Send me an email or give me a call at 201-308-3987.
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